HUMOROUS POEMS (I hope!)
COMPUTER PROBLEMS! Computers playing up again -
It really can be such a pain!
I want a backup every day,
But night by night it says "No way!"
It spits the tape out - won't go on,
So when I get in, nothing's done.
Apparently Bank Holiday
Has caused its inward parts to stray.
Now that is fixed I wonder when
Something will make it crash again?
On Wednesday I have upgrades planned.
Will it obey RE's command?
I'm feeling scared about it all -
Till 9am I cannot call
My 'little boys' in Glasgow far -
My 'database support they are.
They're nearly all just half my age -
Make me feel old when I engage
In conversation with them all
And make another urgent call.
I know their number off by heart,
My password, too will not depart
My memory - I need them so
To sort things out and make 'it' go!
But they are great, and usually solve
My problems - troubles they dissolve,
Although they're times when I must be
Like Sherlock Holmes, assiduously
Investigating everything,
Detecting, searching, light to bring.
I bring my Excel skills to bear,
For Pivot Tables I find there!
They're such a boon if truth will tell,
And with their help I'll make things well!
It's now weekend - I have a rest -
Computers can be such a pest.
But just for now I've 'goodbye' said
Till Monday comes - what lies ahead?
~~~~~
COMPUTER QUICKSTEP!
First we were on dial-up.
It didn't seem too slow.
The world-wide-web was at my feet
With so much there to know.
My e-mails went quite easily -
They didn't take too long.
I didn't know another way,
And so nothing seemed wrong.
And then we went on broadband -
Everything seemed so quick!
I seldom saw the dark blue bar
Come up and seem to stick.
It all seemed so much easier -
It was a better way,
And large attachments I could post -
Sent off without delay.
And then I bought a laptop
To use at home each day.
A large attachment I sent off -
Or tried - it said 'No way!'
But evening and morning
I check the websites out
To send new poems, read the news
And find what life's about.
But having tasted both ways
I cannot help but know
The 'net' is like the quickstep -
It's 'slow, slow, quick, quick, slow!'
~~~~~
I HATE MOBILE PHONES!
All is hushed –
All is still –
As still as a library –
As still as a church
In quiet prayer.
Then the air is rent
By the latest
Downloaded ringtone
And concentration is lost!
Do I look round,
Glaring at the person
Who perpetrated the heinous crime
Of forgetting
To set their mobile phone
To vibrate?
Mobile phones –
A thing I hate!
The street is crowded –
It is hard not to bump into people
Anyway.
But someone comes barging –
Eyes down –
Not ‘looking’
But texting –
Straight into me.
‘Mobile phone’
Does not mean
That the user
Must use it
In motion!
I hate mobile phones!
I’m on a train –
Everybody seems to be
Sitting, phone to ear,
Or thumbs to keys.
Loud voices penetrate
My quiet reading.
I hate mobile phones!
It’s hot;
There’s a steep hill to climb.
Wouldn’t it be lovely
To have a taxi?
So out comes
My mobile phone!
I love mobile phones!
27/05/05 - Charing Cross to Tunbridge Wells train in the rush hour!
~~~~~
THE CLAIRVOYANT COMPUTER!
(Mailing list nightmare!)
I wrote this some years ago - originally hoping it might be used in our magazine to help them realise that neither the computer nor the Database Manager are clairvoyant! It didn't get published and we still had the same problems when I retired!
I write to you, computer, I really must complain,
You keep on making daft mistakes - you've just made one again.
I'm not at the address you use, I left there long ago.
I didn't write to tell you, I just thought that you would know.
I stopped my Banker's Order as I couldn't really pay.
I thought you'd simply notice it, so didn't think to say.
So then you wrote a letter - was it the bank or me?
Oh, wouldn't it be useful if you my thoughts could see!
Miss Jenny Smith in Scotland and Miss J M Smith in Stone
Are really the same person - I thought you would have known
That she's just gone up to uni, many, many miles away.
A computer should have known that, so there was no need to say.
The mind-reading computer we eagerly await -
It's not even on the drawing-board, we just don't know the date.
Till then just keep on writing, take your pen and let us know.
Help us save our scant resources, make our money further go.
Don't blame the poor computer, and don't blame me as well -
The computer only knows the things we choose its disks to tell.
~~~~~
(LOW FAT) CHEESE, PLEASE!
I've had my test results today -
Cholesterol too high,
So I must just watch what I eat -
The cheddar cheese pass by.
No more for me cheese sandwiches
Coming, ready-prepared -
Delicious, brown, cheese falling out,
And too good to be shared!
A wedge of half-fat cheese I well
Could put into my store,
But I'd come back to take a bit,
And then come back for more!
That cheese will call and beckon me
Until it all is gone,
And inches pile on round my hips -
Which really is no fun!
So let's have low-fat sandwiches
Made with a tasty cheese
Upon our supermarket shelves -
I'd really like that, please!
All who watch their cholesterol
Or who some weight would lose
But may be vegetarian,
We'd like the chance to choose!
~~~~~
MORE LOW FAT CHEESE SANDWICHES
Have you been told to cut down fat –
Cholesterol too high,
Or simply that you must lose weight?
And so, with a great sigh
You ditch the Cheddar for low-fat cheese,
Though not as nice by far.
You think you’ll change your sandwiches –
You really are a star!
But even if you put a wedge
Of low-fat cheese to last,
That cheese keeps calling from the fridge,
And goes so very fast!
But on the supermarket shelves
You really cannot find
A single low-fat cheese sandwich –
It really isn’t kind.
So come on Tescos, Sainsburys,
Give us some low-fat cheese
In sandwiches which we enjoy,
Then it would be a breeze.
The weight would fall off easily
(Alas, that isn’t true!)
No calories or points to count,
We’ll have a body new!
~~~~~
SHE - that no-tailed, almost fur-less alpha
That seems always to be on free-range -
Says we have a show at the weekend!
It's Thursday.
She takes us out one by one.
Drops of cold stuff percolate through our fur
And touch our necks.
We don't lick each other - 'cos it doesn't taste nice!
At least this time she hasn't sprayed us
With that nasty-smelling stuff.
She says it's so we don't have lice
And get disqualified!
Then she pins us. Well - not really.
We're the right way up, but held tightly by her arm.
She stretches out a back leg - mine, not hers!
She has funny glasses on - she does look odd -
And clippers - not always the same ones - sometimes scissors.
She clips a claw. I flinch.It doesn't hurt, but I want to move my foot.
Another claw - squeak. No luck.
Another one - I'll try teeth!
"Eeek - naughty rat" she says - and carries on!
The other foot. Oh well, best let her get on with it!
She feels the front claws - OK! Good!
Then she puts greasy stuff on my tail.
Perhaps it will help me slip out of her grasp!
No luck.
Back in cage - that rare thing called a yoggie.
Then comes show day.
I'll make her explore the Explorer 'til she nearly has to get in!
No good - into a carrier we go -
And NOT the same one as the does. How cruel!
Jolt, jolt, jolt. Walk, car, or sometimes train and bus.
A quick baby wipe is passed over my fur and tail.
My rex pal has his fur rubbed up the wrong way.
He hates that.
Into a tank with funny-smelling woodshavings.
Yummy cucumber!
Lots of sleep time!
Someone takes me out.
They smell different - they've touched other rats.
They bend my tail over my head - it reaches to my ears.
They look at me from all angles.
"Likes his food bowl" - they say.
Well - better than "Needs a block and tackle!"
Even some of the stewards don't know what that is.
"A bit rusty." I'm not a nail!
But my friend gets "Best in Show".
He gets a rosette - but alpha won't let him eat it!
Back in the carrier.
Jolt, jolt, jolt - but we eat some sweetcorn, huddle up and go to sleep.
Back in the Explorer.
Our cage-mates sniff us all over.
We exchange news in ultrasonic squeaks.
More food.
More sleep.
It's been a busy day.
pp Ann Clifton!
(This was written as from some of my show bucks, who are in a large cage called an Explorer. Before a show they have anti-mite drops - rather like the drops dogs have for fleas. They then have their claws clipped, for which they have to be held firmly, not unlike the 'pinning' which they do as dominance behaviour. Sometimes I take a girl or two - the does - in a separate carrier. "Rex" rats are wavy or curly. 'Yoggies' are yoghurt versions of chocolate drops - a favourite treat. The other great delight of bucks is sleeping!)
~~~~~
SHOW SEC/STEWARD APOLOGIES!
(I'm involved in showing pet rats and help to organise a monthly show as what is called a "Show Secretary" and also sometimes steward, which involves getting the rats ready for the judge etc. Because it is a small club, it isn't always easy to get enough entries to qualify for the national 'star' scheme. This means that people get rather a lot of emails from me asking for entries -which most of them save to the last day. A few events are taken from another show. - such as the stewarding, and my naughty rat, Lightning. Rats are shown in tanks, and some people use hired ones - then don't remove their labels!)
I know your Show Sec’s such a pest!
She really wants what’s for the best
For all the ratties in each show –
So judges may then stars bestow!
So – notice first – and then remind
All those whose entries are behind!
‘Til the last day you all will wait –
But after 10 will be too late!
Some judges cause the heart to sink
When stewards really have to think
As they the order rearrange
So paperwork is very strange!
“Today we will begin with rex!”
That makes new stewards quite perplexed!
And hire tanks – what great, great fun –
Clean them, match lids – job never done -
We really want to see the rat!
There aren’t enough – now fancy that!
To do first aid when teeth are bared –
The Show Sec’s job – so be prepared.
I’m sorry for the ‘Lightning strike!’ –
To his show-prep he took dislike!
Or it may be, when washing up,
A handle comes off mug or cup!
We learn from others – and that tray
For ‘first’-cards helps – an easier way.
We learn from all the judges, too –
So very different – all with new
Ideas to share and things to show
To make our Fancy thrive and grow.
For more of you I really plead –
‘Twould make my job easier indeed.
My thanks to judges, everyone
Who goes to make our shows such fun.
Yes – thanks to all who play their part.
Until next month - I will depart!
~~~~~
THE HAPPY WANDERER
(based on Milky Way’s exploits over the past 48 hours!)
I love to go a-wandering
It really is such fun!
I put my head up, give a stare –
Then, when ‘she’ sees – I run!
Next time, next time,
Next time.
I’ll not go in that silver cage!
Next time, Next time,
I won’t be caught next time!
It really is a great big room
With places I can hide.
I’m such a tease – I’ll make her run –
Give her no peace inside.
The window-sill – a lovely place
‘Til she comes there to see.
I scamper down, not looking back –
Hide under the TV.
And then I find a big wire box
With yummy, smelly food.
I go inside – the door comes down
And I am back for good!
Ann S Clifton – 17th November 2012
~~~~~
It really can be such a pain!
I want a backup every day,
But night by night it says "No way!"
It spits the tape out - won't go on,
So when I get in, nothing's done.
Apparently Bank Holiday
Has caused its inward parts to stray.
Now that is fixed I wonder when
Something will make it crash again?
On Wednesday I have upgrades planned.
Will it obey RE's command?
I'm feeling scared about it all -
Till 9am I cannot call
My 'little boys' in Glasgow far -
My 'database support they are.
They're nearly all just half my age -
Make me feel old when I engage
In conversation with them all
And make another urgent call.
I know their number off by heart,
My password, too will not depart
My memory - I need them so
To sort things out and make 'it' go!
But they are great, and usually solve
My problems - troubles they dissolve,
Although they're times when I must be
Like Sherlock Holmes, assiduously
Investigating everything,
Detecting, searching, light to bring.
I bring my Excel skills to bear,
For Pivot Tables I find there!
They're such a boon if truth will tell,
And with their help I'll make things well!
It's now weekend - I have a rest -
Computers can be such a pest.
But just for now I've 'goodbye' said
Till Monday comes - what lies ahead?
~~~~~
COMPUTER QUICKSTEP!
First we were on dial-up.
It didn't seem too slow.
The world-wide-web was at my feet
With so much there to know.
My e-mails went quite easily -
They didn't take too long.
I didn't know another way,
And so nothing seemed wrong.
And then we went on broadband -
Everything seemed so quick!
I seldom saw the dark blue bar
Come up and seem to stick.
It all seemed so much easier -
It was a better way,
And large attachments I could post -
Sent off without delay.
And then I bought a laptop
To use at home each day.
A large attachment I sent off -
Or tried - it said 'No way!'
But evening and morning
I check the websites out
To send new poems, read the news
And find what life's about.
But having tasted both ways
I cannot help but know
The 'net' is like the quickstep -
It's 'slow, slow, quick, quick, slow!'
~~~~~
I HATE MOBILE PHONES!
All is hushed –
All is still –
As still as a library –
As still as a church
In quiet prayer.
Then the air is rent
By the latest
Downloaded ringtone
And concentration is lost!
Do I look round,
Glaring at the person
Who perpetrated the heinous crime
Of forgetting
To set their mobile phone
To vibrate?
Mobile phones –
A thing I hate!
The street is crowded –
It is hard not to bump into people
Anyway.
But someone comes barging –
Eyes down –
Not ‘looking’
But texting –
Straight into me.
‘Mobile phone’
Does not mean
That the user
Must use it
In motion!
I hate mobile phones!
I’m on a train –
Everybody seems to be
Sitting, phone to ear,
Or thumbs to keys.
Loud voices penetrate
My quiet reading.
I hate mobile phones!
It’s hot;
There’s a steep hill to climb.
Wouldn’t it be lovely
To have a taxi?
So out comes
My mobile phone!
I love mobile phones!
27/05/05 - Charing Cross to Tunbridge Wells train in the rush hour!
~~~~~
THE CLAIRVOYANT COMPUTER!
(Mailing list nightmare!)
I wrote this some years ago - originally hoping it might be used in our magazine to help them realise that neither the computer nor the Database Manager are clairvoyant! It didn't get published and we still had the same problems when I retired!
I write to you, computer, I really must complain,
You keep on making daft mistakes - you've just made one again.
I'm not at the address you use, I left there long ago.
I didn't write to tell you, I just thought that you would know.
I stopped my Banker's Order as I couldn't really pay.
I thought you'd simply notice it, so didn't think to say.
So then you wrote a letter - was it the bank or me?
Oh, wouldn't it be useful if you my thoughts could see!
Miss Jenny Smith in Scotland and Miss J M Smith in Stone
Are really the same person - I thought you would have known
That she's just gone up to uni, many, many miles away.
A computer should have known that, so there was no need to say.
The mind-reading computer we eagerly await -
It's not even on the drawing-board, we just don't know the date.
Till then just keep on writing, take your pen and let us know.
Help us save our scant resources, make our money further go.
Don't blame the poor computer, and don't blame me as well -
The computer only knows the things we choose its disks to tell.
~~~~~
(LOW FAT) CHEESE, PLEASE!
I've had my test results today -
Cholesterol too high,
So I must just watch what I eat -
The cheddar cheese pass by.
No more for me cheese sandwiches
Coming, ready-prepared -
Delicious, brown, cheese falling out,
And too good to be shared!
A wedge of half-fat cheese I well
Could put into my store,
But I'd come back to take a bit,
And then come back for more!
That cheese will call and beckon me
Until it all is gone,
And inches pile on round my hips -
Which really is no fun!
So let's have low-fat sandwiches
Made with a tasty cheese
Upon our supermarket shelves -
I'd really like that, please!
All who watch their cholesterol
Or who some weight would lose
But may be vegetarian,
We'd like the chance to choose!
~~~~~
MORE LOW FAT CHEESE SANDWICHES
Have you been told to cut down fat –
Cholesterol too high,
Or simply that you must lose weight?
And so, with a great sigh
You ditch the Cheddar for low-fat cheese,
Though not as nice by far.
You think you’ll change your sandwiches –
You really are a star!
But even if you put a wedge
Of low-fat cheese to last,
That cheese keeps calling from the fridge,
And goes so very fast!
But on the supermarket shelves
You really cannot find
A single low-fat cheese sandwich –
It really isn’t kind.
So come on Tescos, Sainsburys,
Give us some low-fat cheese
In sandwiches which we enjoy,
Then it would be a breeze.
The weight would fall off easily
(Alas, that isn’t true!)
No calories or points to count,
We’ll have a body new!
~~~~~
SHE - that no-tailed, almost fur-less alpha
That seems always to be on free-range -
Says we have a show at the weekend!
It's Thursday.
She takes us out one by one.
Drops of cold stuff percolate through our fur
And touch our necks.
We don't lick each other - 'cos it doesn't taste nice!
At least this time she hasn't sprayed us
With that nasty-smelling stuff.
She says it's so we don't have lice
And get disqualified!
Then she pins us. Well - not really.
We're the right way up, but held tightly by her arm.
She stretches out a back leg - mine, not hers!
She has funny glasses on - she does look odd -
And clippers - not always the same ones - sometimes scissors.
She clips a claw. I flinch.It doesn't hurt, but I want to move my foot.
Another claw - squeak. No luck.
Another one - I'll try teeth!
"Eeek - naughty rat" she says - and carries on!
The other foot. Oh well, best let her get on with it!
She feels the front claws - OK! Good!
Then she puts greasy stuff on my tail.
Perhaps it will help me slip out of her grasp!
No luck.
Back in cage - that rare thing called a yoggie.
Then comes show day.
I'll make her explore the Explorer 'til she nearly has to get in!
No good - into a carrier we go -
And NOT the same one as the does. How cruel!
Jolt, jolt, jolt. Walk, car, or sometimes train and bus.
A quick baby wipe is passed over my fur and tail.
My rex pal has his fur rubbed up the wrong way.
He hates that.
Into a tank with funny-smelling woodshavings.
Yummy cucumber!
Lots of sleep time!
Someone takes me out.
They smell different - they've touched other rats.
They bend my tail over my head - it reaches to my ears.
They look at me from all angles.
"Likes his food bowl" - they say.
Well - better than "Needs a block and tackle!"
Even some of the stewards don't know what that is.
"A bit rusty." I'm not a nail!
But my friend gets "Best in Show".
He gets a rosette - but alpha won't let him eat it!
Back in the carrier.
Jolt, jolt, jolt - but we eat some sweetcorn, huddle up and go to sleep.
Back in the Explorer.
Our cage-mates sniff us all over.
We exchange news in ultrasonic squeaks.
More food.
More sleep.
It's been a busy day.
pp Ann Clifton!
(This was written as from some of my show bucks, who are in a large cage called an Explorer. Before a show they have anti-mite drops - rather like the drops dogs have for fleas. They then have their claws clipped, for which they have to be held firmly, not unlike the 'pinning' which they do as dominance behaviour. Sometimes I take a girl or two - the does - in a separate carrier. "Rex" rats are wavy or curly. 'Yoggies' are yoghurt versions of chocolate drops - a favourite treat. The other great delight of bucks is sleeping!)
~~~~~
SHOW SEC/STEWARD APOLOGIES!
(I'm involved in showing pet rats and help to organise a monthly show as what is called a "Show Secretary" and also sometimes steward, which involves getting the rats ready for the judge etc. Because it is a small club, it isn't always easy to get enough entries to qualify for the national 'star' scheme. This means that people get rather a lot of emails from me asking for entries -which most of them save to the last day. A few events are taken from another show. - such as the stewarding, and my naughty rat, Lightning. Rats are shown in tanks, and some people use hired ones - then don't remove their labels!)
I know your Show Sec’s such a pest!
She really wants what’s for the best
For all the ratties in each show –
So judges may then stars bestow!
So – notice first – and then remind
All those whose entries are behind!
‘Til the last day you all will wait –
But after 10 will be too late!
Some judges cause the heart to sink
When stewards really have to think
As they the order rearrange
So paperwork is very strange!
“Today we will begin with rex!”
That makes new stewards quite perplexed!
And hire tanks – what great, great fun –
Clean them, match lids – job never done -
We really want to see the rat!
There aren’t enough – now fancy that!
To do first aid when teeth are bared –
The Show Sec’s job – so be prepared.
I’m sorry for the ‘Lightning strike!’ –
To his show-prep he took dislike!
Or it may be, when washing up,
A handle comes off mug or cup!
We learn from others – and that tray
For ‘first’-cards helps – an easier way.
We learn from all the judges, too –
So very different – all with new
Ideas to share and things to show
To make our Fancy thrive and grow.
For more of you I really plead –
‘Twould make my job easier indeed.
My thanks to judges, everyone
Who goes to make our shows such fun.
Yes – thanks to all who play their part.
Until next month - I will depart!
~~~~~
THE HAPPY WANDERER
(based on Milky Way’s exploits over the past 48 hours!)
I love to go a-wandering
It really is such fun!
I put my head up, give a stare –
Then, when ‘she’ sees – I run!
Next time, next time,
Next time.
I’ll not go in that silver cage!
Next time, Next time,
I won’t be caught next time!
It really is a great big room
With places I can hide.
I’m such a tease – I’ll make her run –
Give her no peace inside.
The window-sill – a lovely place
‘Til she comes there to see.
I scamper down, not looking back –
Hide under the TV.
And then I find a big wire box
With yummy, smelly food.
I go inside – the door comes down
And I am back for good!
Ann S Clifton – 17th November 2012
~~~~~